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VICTIM IDENTIFICATION PDF Print E-mail


Don't become a victim of yourself.

Forget about the thief waiting in the alley;

 What about the thief in your mind?

  

 Jim Rohn (American Speaker and Author)

 
Man is much more then he usually believes he is. Every human being is an incarnated Soul, and Soul is comprised of any imaginable potential. So, humans also have limitless potentials, whether they use them or not. What determines our achievements, besides the willingness to work on development of those potentials, is inner openness to those endless possibilities. Humans become exactly what they believe of themselves and do what they think they are able to do. Hence, it is our beliefs that play crucial role in realisation of our potentials. Being a Soul that is magnificent and boundless, and originating from the Spirit which seems to be omnipotent, man is definitely in a favourable position. We do have at our disposal a huge amount of possibilities, together with means of their realisation. Therefore, humans were created to realize themselves creatively and many successful people, capable of accomplishing remarkable deeds, demonstrate this fact. And, if one person is able to achieve something, this means that everyone can do it if they try hard enough. In his attempt to express the same idea, Jesus said: "You shall do the same as I did - and much more". According to Bible, Jesus called himself the "son of man", pointing out that his potentials were no more divine then ours and that he did not consider himself godlike or superior to other humans. Although one has to be aware of those capabilities and develop them, they are not exclusively related to any special caste or race.

But people are used to think poorly of themselves, or better - conditioned to believe - that they really are what society wants them to believe. Through upbringing in certain surroundings, people reflect worldviews of the environment they live in. Most of us believe that we are just "ordinary little people" who are more or less helpless and not predestined for anything else than average. And, these kinds of beliefs will determine our life's achievements. On the other hand, if we change our convictions, we could accomplish our highest goals, no matter what people around us think. Although the world we live in is far from ideal one, and society usually doesn't teach us how to be free and creative, still, every person has a chance to discover who he or she really is and then to live according to their own principles. After all, if we don't take care of ourselves, someone else will do it for us, but rarely so to our satisfaction. The world is still in hands of few greedy and manipulative people who crave for total control and exploitation. In order to accomplish their agenda, they need obedient, robotized people to work for them, and not a group of self conscious, free individuals who think for themselves. If one is not self-conscious and able to create their own life on their own accord then this person usually serves the system. But, I still haven't found anyone who is truly happy with this, because when we "sell ourselves out" we have to live as a split personality. Although the financial side was (probably) taken care of, the true meaning of our life - creative self realisation - is not attained. In these cases creativity is usually postponed for an indefinite future - "sometime", "after retirement", "next life", if ever.

IDENTITY LOSS

So, why are most of us not in contact with our own true, creative being? Mostly because of "identity loss" which is the basic consequence of traumatic experience. Immediately after trauma happens we make some limiting conclusions and decisions. On the basis of those conclusions and decisions we cut off one or more aspects of our True Self. For example, if we were betrayed by somebody we loved, we could have decided that we're not going to allow being betrayed ever again. In that way we may loose contact with a part of our Soul that trusts life or has confidence in others. Later on we forget about that aspect, as if we have never had it as an integral part of our conscious being. We may become a "suspicious person", somebody that always sees hidden agendas in other people's behaviour, being emotionally reserved or even totally closed. But something that has been lost can also be found again if one wishes so and has the means to do it. Eventually people who want to evolve spiritually will have to recollect lost aspects of their Soul. Hence the return of lost identities represents one of the essential aspects of a therapeutic process and cannot be avoided if we aim for a complete intervention.

When observed psychologically, man can be seen as a cluster of different personalities, or aspects of his very nature. Soul is a complex form comprised of diverse potentials, while the human being is a good medium for manifestation of those potentials and can embody most of Soul's aspects. But, under aggravating circumstances our psyche can literary fall to its constituent parts and that is exactly what happens in a trauma. Many people say that under a state of shock, or while enduring some kind of pressure, they simply "fell apart" or broke. It is therefore evident that every trauma is inevitably followed by splitting off of one or more essential parts of our psyche. When influenced by stress, shock or violence, people loose contact with some of the essential human qualities. Some loose parts of their integrity, some loose contact with their deepest values or true emotions, while some literary "loose their mind" and start reacting either neurotically (being aware they lack control over their reactions), or psychotically (unaware that they lack control over their reactions, perception and behaviour). Consequently, one of the key goals of psycho-spiritual development process is the completeness of Soul, or returning to state of oneness with all possible aspects of our true Self. Concerning integration as the key element in a therapeutic process, famous psychiatrist Carl Gustav Jung named the whole personal development process "individuation". For Jung this presents the retrieval of lost or separated aspects of one's Soul and actualization of psychological wholeness. A complete person has full awareness of all (or at least most) aspects of her Soul and is able to act as an independent individual, from her integrated Self.

In addition, the identity loss can also happen in relationships. In order to be accepted by other person, we sometimes give up on essential aspects of our Self, because we think it is necessary to do so. We often do it for the sake of family peace, and sometimes for the "love" of our partner. If our partner dislikes something we like very much, we may be ready to give up our field(s) of interest just to "keep partnership stable" or not to "rock the boat" unnecessarily. Although such behaviour cannot bring us lasting happiness, we nevertheless continue doing those things, hoping that we shall avoid conflict in this way, or just because we were taught by our parents that the only way to keep partnership stable was to "make other person happy". We also show the same tendency while trying to adapt to society. Sometimes this kind of giving up really is necessary because it is the only way to survive. For example, it is difficult to be oneself in a prison, except if one's nature is truly aggressive and dangerous. Sensitive people will have to give up their softness in order to survive. It is the same in political regimes which persecute those who are not like minded, and also in some work places (mostly corporations) where there are rules - both visible and hidden - that cannot be bent. But in most cases it is absolutely unnecessary to give up on ourselves in order to adapt to the system or a relationship - there is a way for us to stay complete and to also be an integral part of the society. This goal is reachable, only it usually requires additional effort.

During a therapeutic process, lost aspects of our Soul can be revealed in many different ways, but the quickest one is in the course of a goal work. When trying to reach some personal goal, we usually have to discover which qualities are needed for us in order to be able to accomplish the goal. When we actually discover which those qualities are, we may feel as though we never really had them. Maybe we didn't, but maybe we have had them and eventually had to give up on them because otherwise we wouldn't have been accepted by the people who were close to us. For instance, we can give up on our personal power in order to be accepted by our victim-like family members. We do this because we think that we would lose connection with those family members if we keep on being a powerful person, or that we would betray them if we were truly happy and fully realised. Yes, the unconscious dynamics of interpersonal relationships, especially the family ones, has nothing to do with rationality or common sense - it is mostly totally irrational and often very crazy. Giving up on our personal happiness in order to stay connected to victim-like family members? Who would do such a thing? Well, almost anybody who has a father or a mother that is victim identified.

Another possibility for identity loss is when some of our own qualities are associated to a certain person, place or life period. A song "I left my heart in San Francisco"[1] is good example, because it speaks of losing parts of one's personality while changing residence. Many people feel as though they had lost a part of themselves after breaking up a relationship or when someone close to them died. Such a part then remains related to that place or person and this automatically leads to thinking that it is not possible to recover the lost quality unless we return to the place we had it, or revive the past relationship. A person can say - "I'll never be happy again because all of my happiness has gone away with her/him", or - "I will never love again because my ability to love is gone with the loss of a loved one". But most of us do not know that those lost qualities can be recovered for mutual benefit. Namely, it is possible to retrieve lost aspects of our Soul anytime and in any context - we just need to whish for that and have practical methodology to do it. Therefore this process is now a matter of personal choice, and not of "karma" or "fate".

Identity loss usually begins within the family, often as early as during the conception. If a child is not conceived optimally ("immaculately"), it will give up on some of extremely important aspects of its Soul. These aspects could have potentially given the person some special talents or even made her charismatic. As I have already mentioned, all people possess great potentials - however, some of those potentials are already lost during conception, and the process continues during growth period. These potentials are difficult to recover later on, unless we subject ourselves to some kind of therapy. The only other possibility for returning lost aspects is crisis, which usually happens when we find ourselves in extremely difficult situation that tends to bring out the best or the worst in us. Crisis basically represents life's initiation processes, but if the initiation fails, we call the consequence of such failure trauma. So, a traumatic experience is nothing else but unsuccessful initiation.

On the other hand, a successful initiation usually ends when we are ready to accept and integrate some unknown aspects of our true Self. Instead of solving crisis the old way, using already known means and current resources, life challenges us to resolve it through deep inner transformation, finding some new strengths and qualities. These new qualities are often long lost and forgotten, but can eventually rise from the ashes of transformation crisis. For example, the story of a lion cub living with the herd of sheep speaks about awakening of its true nature. Since it didn't know it was a lion, when the wolves attacked the herd it came to its great surprise and amazement that it could actually roar and scare the wolves away. Another well known story is the one about an ugly duckling. Its personal crisis (and the whole story speaks of its identity crisis) ends when it reveals that although the other ducks constantly made a mockery out of its "ugliness", the former duckling was in fact a beautiful swan. But, not everyone lives through such extreme conditions nor are they always necessary - this kind of transformation can also be experienced through therapeutic process.

 Identity loss can continue during child's development, or the so called "education process". Through formal education child's manners are being adjusted to the norms of society. As the society we live in is unfortunately not a healthy one, such an adjustment is not necessarily a healthy process either, especially if it is conditioned by love and acceptance. A child then concludes that it will not be loved and accepted by the society unless it gives up some of its personality traits. It will cut off aspects which are not acceptable or affordable and create a reality with little or no room for its true Self. Under the terms of conditioned love, it is "forbidden" to be ourselves and to manifest some of our natural, essential parts. But the need for our missing part(s) never really ceases. Trying to compensate this need, we create replacement identities. However, those identities can never fulfil us in the way authentic aspects (of our Soul) can. Even worse, identity loss could have its consequence in various sorts of addictions to destructive sources of "fulfilment". For example, if a person was not allowed to express her own will as a child, sometimes that person becomes an alcoholic. Under the influence of alcohol she is finally able to express her will, but this time inadequately - either through impractical fantasizing or in a violent way, which neither reflects her true needs nor leads towards their fulfilment. Hence, identity loss creates a compensation need which is generally "fulfilled" in illusionary manner - every smoker, alcoholic or drug addict knows this very well, but continue to delude themselves because of the irresistible need to compensate for the identity loss.

 So, in order to protect its own health - physical or mental - this kind of self-abandoning is sometimes the only possibility a child has. Therefore, the identity loss actually represents a healthy reaction to unhealthy life circumstances[2]. By giving up on some of its aspects, a child keeps itself protected from the possibly destructive external influences. As long as we are emotionally and materially dependant upon our own parents (surroundings/society), we play by their rules. The problem is that we adopt those rules very early in our lives and they become so intertwined with our character that we forget about them and think of them as normal traits of our personality. Therefore some aspects of our behaviour may even seem insane, but we are often unable to recognize them as part of our game. We think of them as "normal" because this is the only mode of behaviour we know of. When one has no idea of any alternative possibilities, one accepts the constraints of presently existing reality as the only "objective" and "possible" ones.

 IDENTIFICATIONS

 In addition to specific and partial identity loss, there are also cases where contact with huge portions of our Soul is being lost and this usually happens as a consequence of the so called "identification". Identifications occur when identity loss is followed by creating a replacement identity, or because of another identity being forced upon us for some reason. And the reason for this could be closeness to some family member or having a place in family matrix. Sometimes we try to embody other person's expectations, therefore behaving very much like that person. So, who are we then - we, or that person? Since identifications come as a consequence of a major identity loss, the person usually does not know who or what she is and has trouble defining her goals. Although identifications disable people in many ways, the most common inability here is having little or no sense of identity and integrity. Identified people don't know who they are, what their goals are and consequently what their life mission is. Generally speaking, identifications express the real tragedy of contemporary humans who live as soulless beings, as robots programmed to serve their overlords, as computers running mechanically with programmers existing outside of their very selves. And those programmers ruthlessly control our thinking and behaviour, almost without us even noticing it.

Identified person gives up on herself, fulfilling this emptiness by identifying with somebody else, with other people's worldview or mode of behaviour. In order to feel connected and loved by somebody who isn't able to accept and express unconditional love and accept ourselves the way we are, we identify with that person's models of behaviour and the role she plays. We then tend to think, feel and express something, not being aware that it is really someone else's. We might even live thinking that our lifestyle is our own choice, when in fact we express another person's thoughts, feelings or wishes. The replacement identity doesn't necessarily bring us fulfilment, but that is the only way we know of. And, people benefit from being identified with someone else because it makes them feel protected, guided and loved. It also makes one feel intimately connected to the other person who plays the same role, and helps finding one's place and part in the family. Therefore a person usually attaches emotionally to the role being played, because it brings her some sort of fulfilment.

But in addition to some benefits, there are also a number of real losses from the identification. The most significant ones are giving up on our true Self, rejecting responsibility for our own life and neglecting some important goals. Instead of freeing us, identification creates restrictions which are established in its own structure, based on some written or unwritten rules that govern it. The essence of identification is in a "sale contract" between two people. For example, "if you want our family to be stable/happy/successful, you will obey laws of the game I appoint", or "I will love you only if you act in a certain manner", or "We shall accept you only if you accept the role that has been imposed to you", and so on. So, inside the contract there are a number of demands, limitations, orders or taboos that come together with the whole package. Those things make potential benefits from the identification pale and illusory in comparison to very real and heavy restrictions.

 Although identifications are unwanted life models, the need to identify still comes under a natural growth process. As long as someone's personality hasn't been contoured completely, such a person will seek for a role model (mentor) who will fit her preconceived images and current needs. Children ordinarily identify with their parents, while adolescents identify with famous persons, actors or musicians they find fashionable and in whom they can project their own identity. Fans identify with their club, patriots with their nation, religious persons with the church or a certain deity. Many artists will identify with their muses or other artists they appreciate, while spiritually oriented people will do so with their teachers and gurus. Eventually, all of us identify with our emotions, beliefs and our life philosophy. We also easily identify with other people's emotions - the whole movie industry is based on viewer's emotional identification with pictures and sounds coming from the screen. Although these are no more real then dreams, we sympathize with actor's impersonations and sentiments and experience them as though they have happened to us.

Nevertheless, every identification has its consequences. Although we are not the object we identify with (our true nature has nothing to do with what we identify with), identification can be so powerful that it could consume a lot of our time and energy to justify itself. We shall then defend it so strongly as if it was us whom we protect. For example, "to believe in something" is in fact a very strong type of identification. If we find out that our beliefs were wrong, we might feel as though "the whole world has collapsed" and we have "lost our ground". But, nothing has really collapsed - only the belief we have had was proven wrong or inadequate. So, it was our emotional attachment to the belief itself that has triggered such a strong emotional reaction. And the level of our emotional attachment determines the strength of the identification itself. Hence, the process well known as "disillusionment", which often occurs to persons on the path of personal and spiritual development, is in fact the process of de-identification from old beliefs about ourselves or the world around us. This process is sometimes a painful one only because our ego experiences emotional de-identification as death, and therefore creates reactions typical for any kind of loss - fear, anger, resistance, insecurity or sorrow.

Persons who de-identify from certain reality and the stability it brings them usually feel insecure until a new identification is formed. The best solution here would be creating an authentic identity, based on a firm connection with our Soul, and also with something we usually call the Spirit. But to experience such connectedness we need to be introduced to these concepts and at least have a basic understanding of something called Soul or Spirit. It is therefore necessary for us to get educated, both intellectually and experientially, about these ideas. In the meantime we shall identify with anything we come across to and which serves our current needs. So, until our identity is not completely grounded in our authentic Self, we are prone to identify with outer sources of fulfilment, in this case with other people and their lifestyle. And, identifying that happens as a result of the natural growing up process is usually temperate and temporary and we are often aware of it. It continues to exist until we become independent enough to create our own lifestyle.

However, if happening as a result of conditioned love and provoked by traumatic experience, the identification can be much deeper and generally unconscious. Although the person doesn't have to be aware of the identification itself, her behaviour and worldview reveals that she is in fact identified. Such a person will often sense a presence of "someone or something inside herself" which will affect her behaviour and influence her inner states. Experiencing feelings of unknown origin, she often reacts inappropriately - by changing her moods and manners without proper self-control. One can even have a feeling of being "possessed" by someone or something, but in this context the "Devil" has nothing to do with it. The next typical characteristic of being identified is that happiness and success have no meaning for such persons and life's fulfilment seems unreachable. They perceive the world as an unjust place where a "decent" man cannot fulfil his goals, thus avoiding necessary discipline and responsibility for creating their lives. They constantly offer excuses and justify their failures as something for which the outer world is to be held responsible.

           Let us now examine the definition of identification: it is a kind of emotional reaction that significantly resembles someone else's reaction. So, here we feel emotions that are not originally ours, but inherited from someone else, and we also tend to act as somebody else. Why is that so? Because primary human need is to be in a relationship, no matter the quality of it. Bonds between the parents and a child simply have to exist - it is necessary for the child to feel connected to its parents because of the emotional security and stability it brings. Connectedness is more important to small children then their own wholeness. If certain family relationship prerequisites giving up on some part of ourselves, expressed as demand from the other person, then this kind of relationship is not an optimal one, although usually still a necessary one. Parents who do not accept the child as it is and put upon it their own life models will force the child to eventually accept those models as they were its own. Because children perceive parents almost as Gods, and Gods are always right, they will identify with parental life models as the natural ones and keep the family tradition going on. These children will react emotionally in the same manner their parents do and therefore behave the same way, creating the same problems parents have.

So, the trouble with identifying with someone (or something) is that we usually also take over someone else's undesirable states. In the article about the basis of human motivation, I wrote about a child whose mother played a victim role, being tyrannized by the father. Hence, the mother suppressed her own anger, thinking it will go away. But that was not the case - being strongly connected to its mother through subtle energetic cords, the child could eventually feel mother's anger and express it instead of her, that is, for her. So, this child became an aggressive person, although the anger it constantly felt had nothing to do with itself; it was parental legacy. In this case the child inherits anger from the victimized mother, but probably from the tyrannical father too. It is now visible to what extent parent's lives influence their children. Therefore, it is essential for us to continuously and devotedly work on improving our relationships with family members, especially if we want to lead a healthy spiritual life, based on emotional maturity. Harmonious families do not just fall from the skies; they are not God given, or predestined to be happy or unhappy - healthy family ties are being created.

IDENTIFICATION TYPES

Although my sources in this field of knowledge have used similarly modelled systems, my own version of identifications differs a little bit from the one of Martyn Carruthers, the founder of Soulwork. He mentions five identity blocks of which three are named identifications and the other two are "lost identity" and "identity conflict". Concerning the last two blocks, my opinion is that these terms correctly express consequences of certain identity blocks, but not their essence. Thereby, I have termed all "identity blocks" as identifications and gave them somewhat broader context, so that they could be easily understood and implemented practically. So, the five identification system looks like this:

-          Victim Identification

-          Dead Person Identification

-          Hero Identification

-          Child Identification

-          Martyr Identification
The reason why I have named all identity blocks as identifications is the following - if the first three identifications are consequences incurred from identifying with somebody through basic negative emotions, and if emotions can be related to the system or five elementary vibrations (fire, water, air, earth, ether), then it seems logical that the other two blocks are also connected with the rest of the two elements and respective emotions. Up until now, only three basic emotions have been recognized. These are:

-          Anger - fire element - Victim Identification,

-          Sadness - water element - Dead Person Identification,

-          Fear - air element - Hero Identification.
However, there are five elements and not only three, and the elementary vibrations system predates emotion map. So, if we want to associate emotions to elements, then there have to be two more basic emotions. So, what are those two other emotions that match the rest of the two elements (in this case negative ones but certainly with a positive aspect as well)? Those are:

-         Trance - ether element - Child Identification,

-         Guilt - earth element - Martyr Identification.
Trance is a state of emotional numbness in which one finds fulfilment or relief by denying emotions. Person in a state of trance is prone to daydreaming (not being present), fantasizing, intellectualizing and defocusing her attention. So, trance is primarily an emotional state, although with a minus presage - being "non-emotional". It can be related with the element of ether, the famous "fifth element" which presents a so called "time-space continuum" through which other elements communicate between themselves. Its positive counterpart and its original aspect is actually a state of awareness, or "pure consciousness", which manifests itself as ability of being present in time and space (being "here and now"), and also as being able to view our own life from a point of positive detachment (self-observation). On the other hand, trance that serves a purpose of avoiding life's duties cannot be labelled positive. People who spend much time in trance-like states are often Child identified because they are not able to accept reality as it is and assume liability for their actions, or discipline themselves in order to achieve their personal goals. They live in a child-like fantasy world and are often soft drugs addicts, computer addicts or attached to abstract intellectualism (overly intellectual university professors, "mad scientists", bohemian artists, and so on).

When it comes to guilt, it should also be seen as an emotion because a person in such a state never "thinks guilty", but feels guilty. Guilt is the basis of Martyr Identification, where a person identifies with a family member through sense of guilt. There are lot of religious families who consider guilt to be a virtue and expect every family member to feel guilty, at least in some aspect of their lives. There are also families which have one member in jail or responsible for some crime; therefore, guilt could be a "natural state" for this family, and its members are required to share a sense of guilt in order to be accepted and to have an appropriate role inside the family. And, the origins of guilt are even deeper then anything coming from the family, but those aspects of guilt are not the subject of this article. These aspects are more connected with the origin of humanity and life on Earth, that is, of the real situation of human kind, when observed energetically and spiritually. The positive counterpart of is a state of innocence, and innocent man is a free man. On the other hand, guilt turns a person into a slave living in a self-imposed prison; into a martyr tormented by eternal inner conflicts. So, conflicts are typical for this identification, whether they are of mild intensity and expressed as indecisiveness or doubt, or of much heavier intensity and expressed as deep existential conflicts. Inside my identifications model, identity conflicts are not just a form of identity block, but are seen in the broader context of guilt and martyr-like roles, as their typical consequence.

THE CHARACTERISTICS OF VICTIM IDENTIFICATION
First of all, I'd like to emphasize that here I am talking about the unconscious dynamics, and not so much of the conscious one. There are many intelligent people that tend to think they have overcome victim-like roles, but when we examine their unconscious dynamics, this "thinking" tends to be proven wrong. Lot of people are not true or obvious victims, but show victim like characteristics in some context. So, they too have Victim ID issues. Nowadays, especially in Western world, we have overmastered victimisation and see ourselves as free individuals who independently control and create their lives. To some extent this really is true, but there are many other contexts in which we still pretty much act as victims, or are even openly victimized. We can therefore say that this type of identification still presents a global psychological epidemic. All the people are at least partially Victim identified because humanity has not yet reached such a degree of emotional maturity which would enable it to take full responsibility for its own deeds and stop blaming the outer world for every problem it has. Most people tend to behave as if everybody else is guilty for their state of being except themselves - parents, partners, religion (church), global conspiracies or God. Lamenting and complaining have become integral parts of everyday life, especially here in Croatia and some neighbouring countries, where this has become "so natural" that optimism, joy, happiness or benevolence are now even dangerous. In some parts of the world people could literally be offended when someone is happy or simply in a good mood without any visible cause. Therefore, in the presence of other people it is more appropriate that we constantly complain and lament about something and be resign about our own destiny since "there is no choice", "that's the way it is" and it's better not to try anything at all because "there's nothing you can do anyway". People from Western European countries are still able to keep their optimism, probably because they have more money and therefore feel both more secure and free. But who knows for how long - Big Brother is now loudly knocking on their doors and they are doing close to nothing to prevent it. So, in this context they also act like victims.

In countries where the Catholic Church still strongly holds its position, this kind of mindset is also very much present. It seems that original intentions of all religions were positive - aiming for people to become ethical, modest and hard-working, and - most importantly - to search for unity with God. But in the meantime most religions became too connected with the state and governments, and have therefore reshaped their role into a means of repression. So, besides being a spiritual organisation, Catholic Church also became a secular organisation, using its myths as means for obstruction of people's fulfilment and happiness. The most popular of all Christian myths is the legend of "crucified Christ" who suffered and died for us all, thus implanting the human population with the idea we are guilty from the moment we are born (until proven differently). Such feeling is systematically being implanted into the subconscious of believers and into the collective unconsciousness of certain area or the humanity as a whole. Since sinful beings do not deserve to be happy, suffering is a normal way to live. Hence, it is not hard to find an object that will induce the suffering. Such an object - usually a person or a system - is called a tyrant, since the victim needs someone to oppress her in order to justify its role. Under tyrannical influence a victim feels angry and frustrated, and would like to confront the tyrant, but instead it concludes that for some reason confrontation is not possible. Sometimes it is because of the strength of the oppressor, or the mechanisms of repression the totalitarian regimes use, and sometimes the confrontation is avoided in order to maintain peace in the family, to keep the things as they are.

Although the victim role can be manifested globally, its sources are always local. So, it all starts within the family. If families were healthy and harmonic, there wouldn't be any tyrants. They have learned somewhere that tyranny was the "normal" way to accomplish their goals. Of course, the tyrant was once a victim too, and now he compensates the former role with its opposite. Tyranny will create a victim and every victim will eventually become a tyrant, unless she transforms her role into something more constructive in the meantime. If not, she will always seek for a new oppressor - that is her way of living. Even if the tyranny stops, the victim will not automatically abandon her role; she will play her part in a new way and search for a new tyrant, or eventually become one herself. Sometimes, in order to get out of the "tyrant - victim" loop, a former victim-tyrant creates a third role, the one of a "Saviour". She joins spiritual organizations that promise "salvation" or becomes a kind of saviour of "lost souls" herself. But even this doesn't provide her a true way out - a saviour role is just compensation tool for something that is still missing - a big part of her true Self. Only with integration of missing identity can this person get out of the whole loop and be truly free. The former "victim-tyrant-saviour" has to become a happy, fulfilled and realized person herself. There is no need to save anybody - this person needs to save herself from unnecessary worldview and models of behaviour, becoming joyful and motivated, accepting full responsibility for her life, together with necessary discipline to realize her personal goals.   

Victim role is in most cases being learned and adopted by observing the parental relationship. If parents are unequal and have a relationship that is not based on a healthy partner-type model, then one parent will tend to dominate the other. Usually the dominant person determines the rules and demands them to be respected, while the subordinate person passively accepts and fulfils those demands, whether she likes it or not. Unequal partnership is ruled by conditioned love instead of the unconditional one, and is based on some kind of sale's contract. While unconditional love is based on acceptance of the person the way she is and on enthusiastic support to her endeavours (as long as they are ethical and respect other people's integrity), conditioned love sets a system of demands and rules where one person supports and loves the other only if she fulfils those conditions. If the other person refuses or tries to revolt against the conditions, the tyrant will use some kind of force in trying to make the other person fulfil them. If the tyrant succeeds in his extortion, the victim will have to swallow her pride, give up on her integrity and repress the anger she feels. The victim is not allowed to express anger, because if she does then her role is finished - she is no longer a victim.

But emotions cannot be truly repressed; they will always find their way out. Since all family members are interconnected and together form a psycho-energetic unit, then the anger and frustration suppressed by the victim-parent will eventually find a vent through someone else in the family, generally the child. Suppressing emotions has an effect like pressing on the waterbed - when you press it on one side, the other side which holds the minimum resistance lifts up. Some people may even be aware that suppressing emotions is not good for them but they usually think that they are the only ones who will be harmed by this. But that is not the case - they cannot be the only ones that are harmed. Since every family is a system where all parts are interacting with each other, therefore every member is connected to others via subtle psycho-energetic bonds which act as "telecommunication" means. These bonds enable spontaneous and automatic transmission of information from one person to another. This means that all family members sense repressed or hidden emotions of other members, but the most sensitive among them will not stand the pressure and will have an irresistible need to express them.

Suppressing negative emotions is usually accomplished through rigid self-control, or by consuming different substances such as nicotine, caffeine, alcohol, pills and drugs, and sometimes with diverting attention and constantly staring at TV, our favourite hypnotist . While other family members probably utilize something from the above, the younger and more sensitive ones cannot suppress negative emotions so easily. So, they become burdened with destructive inner impulses and can slowly turn into an aggressive person who observes the world through "black or white glasses" and sees injustice everywhere. Slowly but inevitably this child turns into a victim itself. Instead of being encouraged by other family members to find motivation and discipline needed for realisation of its own personal goals, the child imitates parental models and starts avoiding responsibility for its life. It usually becomes lazy, at least in some contexts, and finds gain in manipulating others, rather then taking care of its true needs. And, when viewed in this way, identifications do bring certain gains to the identified person. Every negative (unwanted) identity has its purpose, so the person who is for some reason playing the victim role tries to accomplishes desired goals. For example, victim is usually the strongest member of the family, so she controls the whole family.

Therefore, although it may look absurd, even the obviously negative behaviour serves in accomplishment of some goal. Somebody may say - "what could possibly be the goal of a poor victim who, without her fault, found herself in an unwanted situation? That person must have only one goal - to get out of it!" Well it's not really like that - a victim often uses her role to accomplish quite a few goals. Sick persons ("victims of illness") also use their disease to accomplish something. Maybe they just want to attract attention or they punish somebody for something they have done. Unless conditioned by injury or some direct outer influence (radiation, unhealthy foods, etc.), illness is a reflection of human beliefs, charged with emotions that are suppressed deeply into the unconscious. The unconscious mind manifests itself directly through physical condition and body language. So, a victim of illness isn't really a victim - she has led herself directly to such a condition. This is pure and simple logic so there is no place for excuses here - we create our own illness with specific purpose. We usually do it to avoid responsibility of some kind, to attract attention or to punish somebody (or ourselves).

Although a victim may have adopted her role to ensure herself a certain position in a family, that role presents negative means to accomplish the desired goal. And all our goals, in their original intention, are positive. So, there have to exist at least some positive means for achieving them, but it is much harder to find those means and much easier to play the role of a "poor victim" who incites sympathy from others. Later on a victim may become aware that there is something wrong with her because she cannot reach true inner fulfilment, and she may try another game in order to reach it. But, unless she becomes ready to confront her role, she still won't be able to help herself, playing the same part over and over again. She would sometimes blow-off by rebelling against some kind of "injustice", and there definitely exists a lot of injustice, violence and stupidity in today's world. However, the victim has to find the way to deal with her own issues and get a grip on herself first ("sweep in front of her own doorstep"), instead of distracting attention to something else. Fighting against global injustice and at the same time being inside a victim role calls in questions about the motives of such person. Only the intimate realization and personal fulfilment can be the legitimate motives for acting on a global level.

And finally, to summarize the analysis of Victim ID, here is a list of some of its typical indicators:

-          key emotion is ANGER; a victim often feels angry, but is not allowed to express it; she suppresses anger and that leaves certain consequences;

-          a victim usually has a lot of energy and is capable of defining her goals, but in the course of a goal work she changes her mind frequently, deviating  and losing the motivation for their accomplishment, followed by making excuses for giving up;

-          creates "Victim - Tyrant - Saviour" relationship models;

-          in the earlier part of her life she is in a victim role, later on she usually turns into a tyrant; if positively motivated, she abandons "tyrant-victim" model, but then adopts a role of a "saviour";

-          she sometimes becomes a follower of spiritual groups who believe in "Saviour" which is going to bring them "salvation";

-          when devoted to spiritual development, a Victim identified person can impersonate a saviour role; instead of "saving" herself by creating a happy and fulfilling life, she saves the others, "saves the world";

-          creates an image of a "good", "fair", "decent", "obliging" person; stands on the side of the weak and is a typical looser;

-          sometimes has aggressive breakdowns, being incapable of maintaining the image of a "good person" because she cannot control her behaviour all the time;

-          her body posture displays readiness for "fight or flight" reaction; her jaw is often contracted and sometimes the teeth are gritting; fists are clenched, muscles cramped and sometimes well trained or built ("body builders");

-          she displays constant criticism against the outer world - nothing is good, right or perfect enough, everyone is dishonest, a potential aggressor or tyrant; she constantly feels threatened and vulnerable;

-          although always complaining, Victim identified person does not want to change - even if she searches for professional help, she wants somebody else to take over the responsibility for her life and for solving all of her problems;

-          a victim is regularly the strongest member of the family, even though it may not seem that way.


DISSOLVING VICTIM IDENTIFICATION
The process of dissolving any identification, but also any kind of relationship-caused problems, usually has two basic aspects. The first one is a virtual work - people visualise other persons who play parts in creating identification (usually parents) and work on both conscious and unconscious dynamics of their relationship. Then there is an actual, real life confrontation with those people which needs to follow. Both of those aspects need to be represented, because if we do not prepare ourselves for the actual confrontation working first on the inner or virtual one, dissolving negative unconscious models, then we shall hardly ever be ready make the real life confrontation. Also, if we only do psychological work and avoid real life confrontation, we act as someone who has milked a cow and then spilled the milk. So, in brief, dissolving of this type of identification begins with confronting the victim with her role. After the therapist has helped the client diagnose their identification (usually during goal work), one is faced with a choice - whether to stay in the present position or to change it. This kind of selection is based on considering the advantages one gains through playing the victim role, as well as the losses and disadvantages that follow it. So far as the victim is able to objectively percept the gains and losses, it regularly comes to conclusion that all the gains are more or less illusory, though it doesn't mean that she will gladly give up on them. However, if the person decides to change the former status, identification dissolving is continued by encouraging the victim to express her anger and to confront her oppressor. As long as the victim suffers violation of her integrity and suppresses her anger, she stays in the victim role. At the moment she gives voice to her anger and confronts her tyrant, she ceases being a victim and starts to express herself in a more honest and natural way.

After confronting the victim with the victimizer, the next step is going to be confronting the victim with the person from whom she took over her role - it is usually one of the parents. The victim did not create her role out of identifying with the tyrant, but with the tyrannized person in the family. The source of this identification is usually another victim, the person from the older generation in our family who was, or still is, in a victim role. Even if we were also tyrannized by the same tyrant, he is not the source of this identification - it is the victimized parent. To be even more precise, it is the subtle emotional connectedness with the victim-parent that is the true cause of this identification. So, it's not only the tyrant who is responsible for the whole problem here - it is also, or even more, the victim-parent. If the tyrant is responsible for the negative action, a victim-parent makes bad example through her passive acceptance of tyrant's molesting. The victim-client has accepted their role through imitating the model of behaviour from the victim parent. Therefore, the victim has to confront the victim-parent as well and find healthier and more constructive ways to connect - not through the victim role, but through some natural aspect of her own Soul.

So, although there are many different methods that enable therapist to assist the client in dissolving such identification, the basis of all of them is in the encouragement given to a victim identified person to confront the victimizer in a constructive way, but also to confront the victim-parent with whom she has connected through the victim role. This needs to be followed by exchanging blessings - both with the tyrant-parent and with the victim-parent. Since the victim is actually much stronger then the tyrant, it is of great importance to give blessings to the oppressor. He is the weakest one in this kind of family dynamics and he truly needs help in order to step out from the destructive model of behaviour. Hence, one of the key elements in dissolving this identification - although this may seem paradoxical - is giving blessings to the tyrant, as much as he or she is willing to accept.

Then the process can finally be completed with recollecting one's original identity. Lost identity that we find as a consequence of identification is usually under age seven (mostly under age 3), and needs to be emotionally developed to reach our actual age. If we are a grown up person (at least physically, not necessarily emotionally), then we cannot integrate a child - first we need to enable our childish part to grow up. This is accomplished through fulfilling the child's needs. Then, when this lost aspect of ourselves reaches our current age, we are free to choose whether we shall integrate such part, or not. Integration is usually a wonderful experience, but we need to keep in mind that it also brings with it some new responsibilities. That's what makes the integration process a serious one. If she chooses to integrate the lost part, this process will allow the former victim to express a healthy motivation (instead of being angry) and to connect to other family members in a healthy way, but it also requires taking greater responsibility for creating her own life.

When described in this way, identification dissolving may seem simple and easy. Although it may take couple of treatments to accomplish such a goal, the truth is that it's relatively easy to do. All it takes is for a person to accept the responsibility for creating such identification, as well as for dissolving it. However, such readiness isn't always smoothly accomplished - there is usually some resistance here - and that is the reason why most of the people stay identified for good. Freedom has its price - it is much easier to keep working for Big Brother and let him create our life. What most people do not understand is that the degree of freedom equals the degree of readiness to accept responsibility for our life, followed by adequate discipline. Hence, freedom equals responsibility and discipline. Freedom does not mean rejecting any kind of responsibility - this would only return us to chaos. So, it is up to us to choose whether we shall experience life as a blessing or a curse, whether we shall surrender ourselves to life's undesirable circumstances and then complain because things are not as we expected them to be, or whether we shall take over the responsibility for ourselves and (co)create life circumstances independently. Although the experience has shown that it is not always possible to have total influence on unwanted external influences, coming out of the victim role is still a natural human right and nowadays belongs to a domain of free choice. 

© Tomislav Budak, February 2006.
 
[1] The song was written by George Cory and Douglas Cross, and performed by Tony Bennet and Frank Sinatra.

[2] This phrase belongs to Martyn Carruthers, the founder of Soulwork.

 
 
 
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